Love Relationships

For those of us who are in relationships or those of us who want to be, let’s review how we interact with each other. There may now be no rules for dating or meeting others but let’s start creating them. Let’s bring back real honest communication. By this I do not mean saying every word that you think without filtering it!

Let’s have a bit of respect for ourselves and a bit of respect for those that we are coming into contact with. You cannot expect to meet someone and have them agree to spend the rest of their life with you. This is about taking time to get to know someone.

We have become so fixated on what we want and what we are looking for that we are not considering the needs or wants of our prospective partners. We are making a judgment within a few minutes of whether this person can be all that we desire and yet love does not work this way.

We either need to allow things time to develop and trust in a lot of non-verbal cues and communication to work out how someone feels about us or we need to engage in an active business style negotiation. Only you will know which of these will work for you.

Love is subtle. Love does not barge in and announce itself. Love does not wear a name badge and speed date. Love involves a gentleness of spirit, a generosity of heart and goodness of will. It involves a goodness of fit between two people who share common values and who feel a level of trust.

Values are always best demonstrated rather than talked about. It does no good to talk about how good a person you are, these are qualities that you demonstrate to a person over time.

We are in a time where we perhaps talk too much in order to speed up the process, but we are all doing the talking and no one is taking a chance on listening. We are always evaluating and judging not only others but ourselves and this is getting in the way of forming genuine relationships.

Many have become disillusioned with the opposite sex, or even the same sex and many are left wondering in this modern, technological age, where on Earth are we supposed to meet people.

Actually the more important question is not where but how? How does the human race fulfil its need for love, appreciation and companionship?

On an evolutionary level relationships were formed in order for species to procreate or bring offspring into the world. Our family or tribe offered protection both physical and emotional. Our partner offered protection as we brought our children into the world. We protected our children and they formed relationships and brought their own children into the world and on and so on.

In today’s environment relationships are not always about having a family, but may be more focused on companionship, physical closeness and someone to share the hardships of the world with. None of us have come into the world without some sort of emotional or physical baggage and we are all hoping that our partner will have none and that they will be able to help us carry ours! This is admirable, but not very realistic.

We wish to be loved unconditionally and yet we are too defensive to love someone else unconditionally. We are approaching love with the same frustration and dread as buying a car or a house.

We need to learn how to be subtle again. We need to talk less and understand more. We need to understand that our potential partners may have differing needs to our own and that they may have different timelines for when they want to do things. We need to understand that people will compromise and may alter some of their life plans to include you but not on a first date.

We need to take a risk to see if something is working out and we need to give it time. 4 weeks is not a long enough time!

We need to understand that love develops, it is not negotiated. We need to know that we all have baggage and we all need to be prepared to carry some. If you each carry a bit and take it in turns, it’s actually not that heavy!

We need to be human first and see other people as people, not criteria. People are not boxes to tick. We need to remember that love is not always easy but it is worth it.

We need to stop seeing love as a job or hard work and start enjoying each others company. Instead of asking about what job the person has or what other family commitments ask yourself; Do I like being with you? Do you help me to feel good about myself? Do I enjoy helping you to feel good about yourself? Do I want to spend more time with you?

If you answer yes to these questions then the rest can be worked out.

Each time you are with a person it develops your relationship; if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone then you do not need to rush the conversation. We rush the conversation to rule people out as quickly as possible. This is not a very productive way to find love.