Category: Relationships

For those of us who are in relationships or those of us who want to be, let’s review how we interact with each other. There may now be no rules for dating or meeting others but let’s start creating them. Let’s bring back real honest communication. By this I do not mean saying every word that you think without filtering it!

Let’s have a bit of respect for ourselves and a bit of respect for those that we are coming into contact with. You cannot expect to meet someone and have them agree to spend the rest of their life with you. This is about taking time to get to know someone.

We have become so fixated on what we want and what we are looking for that we are not considering the needs or wants of our prospective partners. We are making a judgment within a few minutes of whether this person can be all that we desire and yet love does not work this way.

We either need to allow things time to develop and trust in a lot of non-verbal cues and communication to work out how someone feels about us or we need to engage in an active business style negotiation. Only you will know which of these will work for you.

Love is subtle. Love does not barge in and announce itself. Love does not wear a name badge and speed date. Love involves a gentleness of spirit, a generosity of heart and goodness of will. It involves a goodness of fit between two people who share common values and who feel a level of trust.

Values are always best demonstrated rather than talked about. It does no good to talk about how good a person you are, these are qualities that you demonstrate to a person over time.

We are in a time where we perhaps talk too much in order to speed up the process, but we are all doing the talking and no one is taking a chance on listening. We are always evaluating and judging not only others but ourselves and this is getting in the way of forming genuine relationships.

Many have become disillusioned with the opposite sex, or even the same sex and many are left wondering in this modern, technological age, where on Earth are we supposed to meet people.

Actually the more important question is not where but how? How does the human race fulfil its need for love, appreciation and companionship?

On an evolutionary level relationships were formed in order for species to procreate or bring offspring into the world. Our family or tribe offered protection both physical and emotional. Our partner offered protection as we brought our children into the world. We protected our children and they formed relationships and brought their own children into the world and on and so on.

In today’s environment relationships are not always about having a family, but may be more focused on companionship, physical closeness and someone to share the hardships of the world with. None of us have come into the world without some sort of emotional or physical baggage and we are all hoping that our partner will have none and that they will be able to help us carry ours! This is admirable, but not very realistic.

We wish to be loved unconditionally and yet we are too defensive to love someone else unconditionally. We are approaching love with the same frustration and dread as buying a car or a house.

We need to learn how to be subtle again. We need to talk less and understand more. We need to understand that our potential partners may have differing needs to our own and that they may have different timelines for when they want to do things. We need to understand that people will compromise and may alter some of their life plans to include you but not on a first date.

We need to take a risk to see if something is working out and we need to give it time. 4 weeks is not a long enough time!

We need to understand that love develops, it is not negotiated. We need to know that we all have baggage and we all need to be prepared to carry some. If you each carry a bit and take it in turns, it’s actually not that heavy!

We need to be human first and see other people as people, not criteria. People are not boxes to tick. We need to remember that love is not always easy but it is worth it.

We need to stop seeing love as a job or hard work and start enjoying each others company. Instead of asking about what job the person has or what other family commitments ask yourself; Do I like being with you? Do you help me to feel good about myself? Do I enjoy helping you to feel good about yourself? Do I want to spend more time with you?

If you answer yes to these questions then the rest can be worked out.

Each time you are with a person it develops your relationship; if you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone then you do not need to rush the conversation. We rush the conversation to rule people out as quickly as possible. This is not a very productive way to find love.

Relationships are both our greatest strength and our greatest weakness.

In our quest for love we find within ourselves our most inspiring qualities; tenderness, kindness, joy, respect, humility, gratitude and sacrifice. We also find ego, jealousy, bitterness, resentment, loathing and fear.

It is in fear that each and every relationship is destroyed.  We fear for ourselves that we will not be provided for.  We fear losing our love and drifting apart.  We fear making a binding commitment in a time where our futures remain unclear but more than anything we fear losing ourselves, losing our will and losing our choice, losing our right to be nourished and grow independently.

What began as two rosebuds beginning their journey together turns to a battle of thorns and weeds. Where sharing the world becomes competing for breath, light and space, when once you would have been happy to shed your own petals for the happiness of your partner, there is now only fear;  fear that you will never be able to give enough to make them happy and fear that you will never be enough to make yourself happy.

But look beyond this.  Move away from fear.  What makes you happy? Can anybody truly make you happy all the time? Why then do we expect that we must fulfill this role for others?  When you partner yourself with another, you make a commitment to be happy within yourself and to share this happiness with your partner.

By giving all of yourself to make another happy you take away their right to find happiness for themselves.  You fall into ego, convinced that only you can give them what they need.  When they react to this violation of free will with anger, we take the opposite approach believing ‘Nothing I do will ever be enough.’

It is only by stepping back from our most intimate state of vulnerability that we can find a middle ground.  To acknowledge that we are amazing is to also recognise that we are not everything and more importantly that we do not need to be.

Two paths can travel side by side.  If one of you chooses to take a turn, arrange to meet up around the corner.  You do not need to follow the same dream for this would lead to competition.  Is it not more fun to live one dream and observe another?

It is neither the music we listen to nor the work that we do that brings us together.  It is the basic respect and admiration that we have for that person and the basic respect and admiration that they, in return, have for us.

In time, what changes is not in the having of respect but in the showing of it.  We take for granted that our partner knows what they mean to us and forget to show it.  We can dance on top of the highest hill and still come home to our loved ones.

Sometimes leaving a relationship is our last attempt at reclaiming our power.

It is, by its very own determination, a statement that we are in control of our own future and that we still exist.  Is it possible to reclaim our power in another way?  After all it has not been taken away but freely given when you began your lives together.  When priorities shift and old dreams make way for new ones, it is time to review old promises, thoughts and assumptions.  Don’t be afraid to release old vows and rewrite new ones.  Clarify with each other what you are happy to give and what you would like to receive.  Start afresh.

Sometimes it is only when we reach a time of crisis that we can make these choices.  A partner who has always nurtured may become ill and they need to be nurtured.  A partner who promised to love, honour and obey may feel too constricted by this.  When you make a promise you are bound by your words.  Check them carefully and if they become out-dated or are impossible to achieve, release them or alter them altogether.

Resentment and loathing, whilst commonly associated with anger, can also be traced back to fear.  We become angry that our partner is not making us happy but then become fearful about why they are not trying hard enough.  Instead of seeing this as an impossible promise, we instead fear that maybe we are not good enough or do not deserve love and happiness.

Look below the anger and find the fear.  Acknowledge the hurt and the sadness.  Progress can be made with sadness and hurt but nothing is resolved through anger.  Respect your partner enough not to force your will onto them.  Do not seek to immediately use your power.  If you walk out what choice do you give them?

It is not easy to speak so generally about such a broad topic as it stirs many different emotions.

As previously mentioned, it is in relationships that the rules and principles are acted upon with the most intensity.

In love relationships every emotion is exaggerated.  Aggression, ego and passion can all become one. Our usual perception of energy, as positive or negative is lost and we are left with simply an explosion of emotions.

It is very hard to step out of a hurricane but not as hard to step into it.  In the eye of the storm you can gain some peace, clarity and perspective with the advantage of keeping your options open.

It is useful to identify the problems and be responsible for your behaviour. It is not your responsibility to bring up your partner’s faults. Consider possible outcomes and what you would like to happen but do not yet decide on a solution. Many people decide that there is only one solution and then proceed to share this life changing solution with their partner, often with bags already packed and commitments neatly popped on the table.

Remember, you have had what seems like a lifetime to ponder this solution whilst they haven’t even had five minutes to think about the problem.  Had the situation been reversed the reaction may have been very different.

We must all make choices for ourselves and when it comes to relationships there is no simple rule except to say we experience the most powerful energy in the world in our relationships.  Learn how to transform your relationships and the world will never look the same again.