Transforming

When you undergo a personal transformation you begin to see the world as distinctly different to the way you did before. There may be a clear separation between your old life and your new one.  It is a chance to start fresh, to learn new ways of thinking, feeling and acting in the world.

For some of you it may involve significant changes in your work or your health or in your relationships.  This is part of life.

Although you may have struggled to let go of this old world it is nothing compared to the struggle that others will be going through, trying to keep you the same. They are terrified that they are losing you. They may see the new you as inferior or broken and will do what they can to get you ‘back to normal’.

Being pulled back into the old world and your old self may feel frustrating and make you angry but remember that the people around you don’t realize that you needed to change or they really would have lost you.

During this new phase of life, begin to experience the world again. Enjoy the way food tastes and pay attention to how your body feels. Try new interests and get out in nature.

The more you get to know this new self the more comfortable you will feel about developing new skills.

A transformation or major change in your life allows you to develop skills from what you used to consider your weaknesses.

In many ways you are like an elite athlete who trains heavily in one area or for one event. You have become truly exceptional in this area and have been exceeding even your own expectations however, now that you have mastered those skills it is time to develop a new set.

When the athlete decides to retire or pull back from their careers, they leave a lot of disappointed people in their wake and they often feel lost and out of their comfort zones as they realize that they don’t know how to cook or sleep in or truly relax.

What is needed is time and space and if nurtured and supported they emerge again as role models and inspirations in other ways.

If you are transforming know that others are not really trying to sabotage you, they just want things back the way things were.

However, the caterpillar cannot turn back into the caterpillar once it is transformed into the butterfly. It can fondly remember its old life but not at the cost of living the new life.
Now is a time of embracing the new you, your new thoughts, feelings and interests.

It’s a time for learning and study and seeing what you can do in a new area. In time you may find that others love and respect and enjoy the company of the butterfly just as much.

Give Me A Go!

Have you ever looked at what someone else was doing and achieving and wished that you could do something similar? Have you ever looked at someone with great talent or resources and felt that they were wasting it all by not using them to their full potential, or even worse not using them at all?

Have you ever found yourself thinking ‘Give me a go! If I had that talent or that ability I would appreciate it and value it, and use it to its full potential?’

Well now is the time. We each have our own unique talents and abilities but we do not recognise them because they come so naturally to us.

Those who are good at maths do not think that they are good at maths; it’s just that it is not a problem to them.

Great ideas and great potentials are sprinkling from the heavens on a second by second basis and there is always room for these potentials in the world. The universe looks for people who are prepared to take an opportunity and run with it. You do not have to be ‘special’ or ‘chosen’ to make the most of yourself, you just need to be willing to turn up and say “Give me a go! I could do that!”

The more people that plant the ideas that fall from the sky, the more beautiful our world becomes.

So, make the most of yourself. Make the most of the things that you don’t think much about because they come easily and naturally. Being good at something is not always about practice and hard work. If you like to cook then cook, if organising is your talent then use it. Believe it or not there are millions of people out there who can’t do what you can do and there are just as many people out there who wouldn’t want to!

Life is not a competition, it is an opportunity!

Make the most of what you already have, and then be committed to catching, nurturing and claiming the opportunities that come to you.

Be one of the ones who does appreciate the opportunities they have been given, be one of the ones who does use their talents and skills to make a difference.

Instead of watching others change the world, get out there and give it a go for yourself!

The Real World

When you believe in the illusion that is the ‘real world’ you lose not only your hopes and your dreams but you lose yourself.

We have all of these rules and ideas about what it means to be successful, and yet isn’t being true to yourself and believing in yourself more important?

If you do not know what your purpose is, at least be open to the idea that you have one. 9-5 jobs, climbing an imaginary career ladder might not be it.

Is it not more important to make an impact in the world, to be able to speak freely and with a clear voice? Is it not more important to find out everything you can about yourself and what makes you, you, and then seek to be the best you that you can be?

When other people expect you to conform to the beliefs of an old, out-dated world, it is OK to say no. It is OK to productively occupy yourself whilst you discover more of who you are. It is OK to share your life with others and accept that others are just trying to find themselves too.

So, do not seek to justify yourself to anyone. Do not seek to please those who force you into conventional roles. Allow your true, honest, real, self to shine through.


Do not stop dreaming, do not stop hoping and do not stop searching for the life that you know is hiding just beyond ‘the real world.’

Owning Your Dreams

What if just by owning your dreams you could make them happen? What if all you had to do was write them down and they were guaranteed?

We all have that creative potential within us. We all have our greatest desires just waiting to be identified and claimed.

Take a few moments now to write down your 3 most important desires. Know that at this point in time you don’t need to do anything but identify them and claim them as your own.

When you have identified them, feel that you have already achieved them.
Begin to Remember the Future.

Spend as much time as you like basking in the contentment and satisfaction of this remembering and know that in the coming days, that success is coming to you because, all your desires needed from you, was a place to come home too!

Success

We each have our own cup of success. Your cup has your name on it and it is related to your unique attributes and abilities. No one else is able to take your cup. It is yours and yours alone. It waits just for you. The great travesty is not that someone else might take it, but that you might go your whole life without taking it for yourself.

People by their very nature are competitive and jealous. While some people thrive on this, many of us seek to avoid these situations, and so we forfeit our desire for success. We only realise how much of ourselves we have given up when we see others claiming their success and we feel angry, jealous or resentful. We automatically ask ourselves ‘what makes them so special? It’s not fair, they have it easy’. We begin to make excuses as to why we have not achieved our own success and blame ourselves or others for this perceived ‘failure’.

Our level of frustration and anger is directly proportional to our sense that we could do or achieve the same level of success ourselves.

For example if you aspire to complete a marathon and have been training for this but not confident to enter and a friend goes out and does it, you may feel very frustrated that you could have done this yourself and that you ‘should’ have done it yourself.

The frustration may be less if you are not athletic at all but you just generally wish that you could be successful not necessarily at the same thing.
So what do we do about these normal but difficult feelings?

The easy answer is that we make a choice. We either let our feelings affect our friendships and relationships or, we inspire ourselves to seek our own success.
When we feel envious it can actually be transmuted into an energy of inspiration.

We need to acknowledge that these are our issues. Other people do not need to stop being successful just because it might affect us and we in return do not need to avoid success because it might affect other people’s feelings towards us.

When we accept our own abilities and talents then we no longer need to receive these jealous messages. When we feel successful, the success of others becomes something that is welcome and embraced.

What this means is that your inner self is calling. It is saying let’s do it for ourselves! We can do it and we deserve to do it.

When we are angry we are propelled to stand up and say ‘no more’ I choose to do things differently. I will not put up with my life the way it is. I am going to go out and get what I want!’

This is a brilliant energy to work with.

Through our experience as we live, learn and grow, we change. We develop different skills, talents and abilities and we unlock within ourselves potentials that can now be accessed.

 

You may find that when your circumstances change that you can now access other options. Remember and embrace this. Check in with yourself regularly to see what you can do now.

Technology

When we dream bigger, aim higher and sing louder we open up a world that we had forgotten. We begin to understand that it is the dream that erases our lethargy.  It is the dream that returns to us our purpose, our desire and our destiny and it is the dream that ensures our prosperity and good health.

By remembering to dream big you unlock your potential, your wonder and your sense of self esteem.  By aiming high you respect yourself, you respect and value the contributions of others and you make a difference.

We live in an incredible world, a planet full of endless possibility and yet we feel so small.  This feeling of powerlessness leads to depression, frustration and rage.

Those who lash out at others do so in an effort to feel heard, to feel that they matter and that they can make an impact.

When no one notices the good deeds the only way to send a message seems to be through bad.

The solution to this is not more violence, vengeance and horror, the solution is to listen and hear that things need to change.  We cannot live this way anymore.

We have discovered, in technology, a medium where we can talk.  We can share our thoughts and feelings but we have forgotten that communication is two way and we are discovering that we are talking and no one listens.

We have learnt to say a lot but not convey what we truly mean and we have learnt to judge more quickly and more harshly than ever before.

We have learnt to jump in on discussions out of context and to be an expert on things that we do not fully understand.

We have learnt to participate for the sake of participating and in doing so we have become distant and separated from ourselves.

We no longer know what we like; we just know what will get liked.  We have become like kindergartners desperate to show what we did today and get approval for it.

But why have we all reverted to being children again? Why do we play favourites and tease and bully and act and speak with out thinking? Why is it that our children at 2 and 3 are demonstrating more moral values and more understanding and empathy than all of us grown ups?

Where did things go wrong and how can we use this technology to our benefit?

We are behaving like children with no parents.  Revelling in the freedom to say whatever we want when ever we want without regard to others and while we do this we are creating a generation of children without parents.

A generation of children who cannot look their parents in the eye because their eyes are elsewhere; a generation of children that has to wait because their parents cannot, a generation of children without love because their parents are too busy for it, not because of work but because of the addiction to technology.

Technology is wonderful but is it time for an intervention?  We don’t want to hear that we have become lost or that we might need to change because we are happy, right?  We like to live this way; we love the way things are, don’t we?  Well, we don’t remember any other way now do we?

We don’t need to go backwards and we don’t need to give up the wonders of the world but lets just think for a moment, with our own hearts and our own minds, about the impact that our technology has on our minds and our families and our communities.  When we switch off and become consumed with filling in our time, nothing gets better.  Things fall apart around us and get harder to repair but nothing gets better.

 

Do not give up your technology but remember to dream.  You may surprise yourself at how satisfying your dreams may become.

 

Our Children’s Education

The children of today suffer from the on again off again switch. They are either struggling or they are not being encouraged enough. Schools attempt to meet the individual needs of the child and they want the parents to take responsibility for educating their children at home as well, but they do not necessarily take into account each parent’s view on what their child needs.

The school system needs to be more transparent. To give the parents a chance, in really concrete terms, to know what their child is expected to achieve over the course of the year and to let them see the high pressure times and the more relaxed periods.

Children these days are never given a chance to relax and enjoy the learning process. For the kids who are struggling, the normal homework and curriculum are hard enough without extra work lumped on top and the kids that should be excited that they have learned a word list or have had major achievements should be given a breath before they are loaded up with the next level.

In our children’s education, we have forgotten how to pause and how to breathe. Our children do not have enough time to complete tasks and adding more of the same task is not always the answer. Children need to understand concepts and problem solving. Sometimes they need less work and more focus on their understanding. For some children, they are not going to ‘get it’ until they ‘get it’. For these kids it’s just a matter of time.

We have at the moment a situation where children are burnt out before they even reach the school system.

How do our children unwind? They have no places that are safe to play anymore and no opportunity to be out of the watchful eyes of their parents. They suffer from anxieties and stress and the school system does not seem to be encouraging a love of learning but rather, is just showing them how to jump through academic hoops at younger and younger ages. This does not make for confident students, it makes for tired ones.

These children are completing homework and readers and spelling lists on a daily basis, on top of the regular school curriculum and, in many cases, weekends are taken up with activities designed to reduce stress. Kids who were previously bursting with creativity and energy sit lethargically complaining that they are ‘bored’ when what they really mean is ‘I am too exhausted to think of something fun to do’.

Our children are wanting to connect with their friends and as parents we are always trying to find the balance between ‘socialising’ our children, whilst regulating their peer group so that they are associating with the ‘right’ friends, whom ever we determine these people to be, whilst trying to make sure that they are not playing too much because there is homework to be done or meals to be had.

We are struggling to be in control of everything. If we didn’t we would probably be inclined to go the other way and not regulate anything. It is an all or nothing approach to life and parenting but we cannot maintain either approach, and so our children get very inconsistent variations of parenting.

Some days mum is in control. She runs a tight ship. Meals are prepared and homework is enforced. Play time is limited.

Some days mum doesn’t even see me through the glaze of exhaustion. She doesn’t care and she lets me do what I want. She yells and half heatedly tries to put in place consequences.
I don’t think I prefer either of these mum’s. My in the middle mum is the best. She is kind of good enough, most of the time. She is normal and fallible but she doesn’t beat herself up about it. Sometimes we play more than other times depending on what needs to be done, but on the whole she is aware of what’s going on around her and what she would like us to be doing as a family.

We need to find safe places for our children to play and we need to let them play without our constant supervision. We need to allow our children to develop their skills at their own pace and extend or assist them as they require it. Sometimes more work is not better, more time is. Sometimes we need to push a little but mostly we don’t.

As parents we ourselves, need to remember how to play. We need to get our own anxieties under control and we need to start role modelling this new relaxed paced, but still productive life.

It is possible, because we have asked for it. When we are ready to ask how? The answers come to us.

How?

Refuse to allow your life to become busy. We think that this is impossible but actually this is under our control.

If life becomes busy then do not let this be a permanent fixture of your life.

Establish your family’s priorities. Take note of the lyrics from the Circle of Life from the Lion King “There is more to see that can ever be seen and more to do that can ever be done.”
There is always more to experience in this world than we could ever hope to experience in just one lifetime. Rather than letting this overwhelm you or paralyse you, consider the experiences that you find most important and enjoyable and focus on these.

Connection

What you do right now, in this moment, today, will always have more power than anything that you are ‘going’ to do in the future. When you change your behaviour and take action, no matter how small, it counts.

‘Today I took my daughter to the pool’ is always more powerful than ‘I’ve decided that I am going to take my daughter to the pool every day’.

No matter whether you ever take her again, she will always have the experience that you provided today, in this moment.

So often we decide not to connect with our children because we are not going to always be able to do it.

We say ‘I better not get them used to breast feeding because I have to go back to work’. We say ‘I’d better not soothe my baby with a dummy as I will have to wean her off it one day’. ‘I better not hold my baby too much as they will begin to expect it’.

‘I better not attach to my baby as they will have trouble going to child care’.

‘I better not connect to my child because one day they will have to grow up and I won’t be around’.

But can you see how each of these decisions mean that time and time again your child is missing out on the most important person in their life? You.

Every time you hold yourself back because you fear that one day you will lose them, or that you will not be there, you are dying to your child over and over again.

Of course they will grow up, of course they will need to become independent one day, but for now, just for today, what if we hold, and love, and tend to, and care for, and soothe our babies? Just for now, what if we enjoy this precious moment that is gone soon enough without us cutting it short because we have things to do?

When our children are growing they will also have ‘things to do’ but hopefully they will have learned by your example that there is always time to stop and connect and appreciate your family.

At the end of the day isn’t that what counts more than what your money or other people can provide?

Christmas Every Day

When you are dealing with an unruly teenager the most important feeling that you need to get under control is your guilt. If we stop putting our guilt onto our teenagers they would be far more responsible. We pour our emotions all over our children and we drown them in them. It doesn’t matter what they do, it is not what we would do so we get anxious, we worry, we fret and we feel sick in the stomach because they are making choices that we have no experience of. When something goes wrong we feel guilty and we feel furious, usually both at the same time.

Kids need the opportunity to make their own choices but they need a foundation of teaching from their parents that shows them HOW to make good decisions.

We have not taught our children these skills probably because we were not taught them. We do not know how to take philosophy and turn it into action and decision making skills and yet we expect this of our children. When our children fail miserably at making reasonable decisions we then blame ourselves for not teaching them or not being harder on them.

It is not about being hard and soft. It is about being responsive to their needs, but not necessarily their wants.

In days gone by there used to be Christmas and Easter and Birthdays. These were the major events in which children were given a gift, and often it was just that, A gift. Easter was the time for chocolate and Christmas and Birthday’s were the day of treat foods. Three days out of the year. These days any day that ends in Y is a reason to give a gift. These days our gift giving is dictated by the catalogues and the sales. I got my son or daughter this because they were 20% off. We are the kids in the candy store and we model this to our children.

Every time we treat ourselves to food or anything of financial value we feel that we need to share with our children or it is not fair.

We do not have treat food days; we have cake for breakfast and soft drink instead of water. We feel ashamed if our children do not fit in with the latest clothes and gadgets. We literally smother our children with material things and our own desires.

Kids respond by playing the game. You give me things and then when I ask for what I want you get angry because it is not up to me to pick and choose what you give me.

Kids are confused. Everything feels like a power play for them. Love is expressed through material goods (a clear message that we have given them) yet when we ask for stuff, parents resent giving it (so they don’t love me), what they don’t understand is that the rules are confusing because parents don’t know what they are doing or why.

We are manipulated by the media. When we were younger we discovered the happy meal and it made us ‘happy’ we want to share this with our children but they don’t feel ‘happy’ with the same meal they want more, and then more, and then more.

In a desperate attempt to get the same happy feeling we had as kids, we keep throwing happy meals at them thinking they just don’t understand it. One day they will. The trouble with Christmas every day is that the meaning gets lost.

When everyday is a party, kids get tired.

As parents, we want to be in control but we are trying to be in control of all of the wrong things.

Kids need to work hard for their rewards in order to appreciate them. They need to value the time that they get to play with their toys and they need to have their gadgets as an equal measure of healthy behaviour. For example ½ hour of homework = ½ hour of a gadget.

Children are not our equals. They are our children. They do not have the reasoning abilities that adults allegedly have and they should not have the responsibilities that adults have. They are not ready for it. They should not carry all of your stress and your expectations.

You need to be clear on your philosophy of parenting. You need to be clear about what your family stands for and what is important and valued in your family. When you know what you want for your family YOU can set the tone and the environment for learning and experience.

When you know that it is your family philosophy to be responsive but not a concierge, then you do not feel guilty getting your children to put their own rubbish in the bin and tidy up after themselves. You know that it is important to listen when your children speak and respond to them when they are hurt or upset. You are clear that you respect your child but that there are rules that everyone in the family has to live by.

Make sure that you have some rules that are different for parents and for children to show them that there are privileges that come with being a parent. We want our children to want to grow up and to want to embrace the responsibilities and the privileges of being an adult.

Write a list now of the 5 things that are most important for your family.

What rules help your family to achieve these aims?

What actions can you take to move your family towards these aims?

What responsibilities do the children in your family have? Why do they have these responsibilities?

What privileges do the children in your family have? Why do they have these privileges?

What responsibilities do the adults in your family have? Why do they have these responsibilities?

What privileges do the adults in your family have? Why do they have these privileges?

What days are important in your family during an average year? How do you celebrate them? How much do your traditions cost you? Would your traditions still be enjoyable if they did not cost you as much?

We often have the idea that we need to spend money in order to have something be enjoyable and that we need to spend an equal amount on each child in order to make it fair. This is parent guilt and again it is affecting your children’s experience of life.

Value is not always measured in monetary terms, by consistently buying equal value and constantly tipping the scales and upping the ante to make things even, we are telling our children repeatedly that it is.

We are letting our guilt raise our children and we are letting our guilt make us poor and sad and angry and miserable. Does this make our children want to be in our company? Do you like being manipulated by guilt? If not, then don’t use this to control your children.

Have clear expectations. Family time is important in our family. We enjoy spending time together. We have positive relationships with each other. We respect each other. We care about each other.

These are your philosophies so what responsibilities come with this?

Parents need to take time to listen and speak with their children. They need to pay attention to what family activities the family enjoys together. They do not need to do more of these activities as more is not always better, but be aware of what works in your family. Parent’s responsibility is to pay attention and have a higher level of insight into what their children need and enjoy.
It is a parent’s responsibility to manage their own emotions and to set reasonable limits on themselves and their children.

Parents have the privilege of setting their own bedtime, deciding what the family will eat and they are allowed to drive and drink alcohol responsibly. They are allowed to watch what they want to watch on TV and play on their gadgets but these things should be done after children are in bed or consciously limited when children are around. Kids want to mimic you. They want to do what you do or it’s not fair.

Rules and reasons need to be explained and you need to set rules and reasons for yourself. Adults have different privileges but they also have higher level responsibilities and we need to be mindful not to be hypocrites.

If you limit your child to 20 minutes on their gadgets and then spend 5 hours on them yourself you are not setting a very good example. You may limit yourself to 2 hours because you are an adult but be clear with your child when your limit is up. Say something like ‘whoa I’ve been on this for an hour it is time to take a break, my eyes are getting really tired.’ You can use these teaching moments to subtly explain how a behaviour effects you. You might say to your partner in front of the kids. ‘No wonder I didn’t sleep very well last night. I stayed up and watched a scary show and it gave me nightmares, I think it’s early to bed for me tonight…’

By role modelling your thought processes occasionally out loud, (in a non annoying way) our children have the opportunity to see that you do actually have a thought process for the things that you do.

The best piece of advice for parents of unruly children is get your own emotional issues sorted first. You cannot seek to change others if you yourself do not have adequate support for your own emotional issues, even if these issues are simply that your child or children are driving you mad.

As you read through these suggestions regarding philosophies and reasons it may cause you to realise that you don’t actually have them. In days gone by our parents would have acted according to the etiquette of the day. We are doing the same but, today there does not seem to be a clear etiquette as we deal with technologies and life circumstances that seemed to be rare in generations gone by.

The best thing to do is to have confidence. If you are reading and acting on ANYTHING that you have read here then you are doing really well. It is important to not get overwhelmed with everything that is before you. Take your time. Complete and implement one activity or strategy at a time and let it slowly change your life for the better.

Sometimes it is best not to let anyone in your household know what you are reading or what you are trying to do as their internal saboteur will get involved with yours and you may end up achieving less than you initially expected.

Make changes slowly and others in your household will wonder what has changed. This is where their curiosity may get the better of them and they may ask you. It is ok to share freely about what you are reading and doing if you are asked but otherwise just go about your business and let them go about theirs.

You may feel angry initially as you think about all of the things that have not been going to plan and you may feel frustrated that others in the household are not helping. This is ok. Change yourself first. Become strong yourself first. Begin to manage people differently and get through the initial reactions of others then keep putting one foot in front of the other.

As you begin to take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual home a sense of peace and accomplishment will eventually take hold and you will be freed up to discover and act upon your higher hearts calling.

As you take this journey you will be supported every step of the way by the universe who always supports someone with a clear intention and the action to back it up.

Why

Children may not understand but they can feel.  Help them understand their feelings by listening and summarising. Don’t be afraid to ask why as children’s why represents curiosity.  It is only as adults we perceive why as critical or requiring  justification.

Look at each emotion like a secret code.  If a child says I’m frightened they are saying I need comfort.  If they say I’m angry it’s because they are hurt then frightened that going without will damage them.

When a child first turns on a tap, they do not know that water will come out.  This is both frightening and exciting, what they do know is that if you the parent are not afraid then it is OK.

When a child falls and grazes their knee they respond to your reaction more than their own pain.

If we as parents can rear our children in a way that suggests that we are calm, in charge and in control, then our children will learn that it is safe to explore and that their parents will stop them from doing anything dangerous.

So what then is dangerous?  Is it pulling the pots and pans out from the cupboard or running out onto the road? Is it licking a dirty floor or playing with an electric knife?

Only by calmly disciplining our children will they respond.

A lesson will only be learned by repetition.  Many parents strive instead to discipline hard enough or severe enough that the child will never do this again, but what they find is that their child then becomes fearful to learn anything.

Minimise the risks but maintain the enthusiasm for learning.

Look to your own upbringing.  How did you learn?  Are you enthusiastic or terrified?  Where is the balance for you?

Each of us will learn differently but much of our learning is the same.

Children need to learn to respect others but in turn parents need to respect the limitations of the child.  Understand that children cannot comprehend the rules as we see them.  Look to the rules you yourself follow and ask like a child does “why?”

Why do I have to bathe every day?  Why do I have to get up early each morning?

Children see simplicity and complexity at the one time and when you long to answer “simple we get up early because we need to go to work” and feel satisfied, look further and ask why again.  Soon we see that what was so mind numbingly simple and taken for granted becomes infinitely complicated.

When we question our core beliefs we often become frightened, frightened to admit we sometimes do things ‘just because’.  Do not be angry with a child for asking, they are not trying to trip up your philosophy on life or uproot your belief systems and way of life, they are simply trying to create their own.

To answer from birth what takes more than a lifetime to contemplate, that magical question WHY.